Every time I'm moving forward
We take two steps back
I need to have a moment to myself
Alone and on the road, I'm overwhelmed
I need to find the difference in how I feel and how I felt
Leave all the lights on
And maybe I'll find my way back home
I wish I could get back to the way things were
When we were young, having fun, so self assured
But now that's all a blur
Leave all the lights on,
If I'm not worth letting go.
Leave all the lights on
If you still care I need to know
Why can't we work it out? can't we work it out?
This makes me so down down down
I've been trying to see, if you were meant for me.
You get me so down down down, I'm gonna turn this car around
Just know that it's the last time,
Guess things didn't go the way that you planned.
As I look round this make shift moving house
I'm searching for whatever's left of me
It's on the ground in a box that reads lost and found
And I'm, I'm already gone
I'm already something to someone that I don't know
When will I know?
That I've been through, that I know
To find my reason to come back home
I've worked it out you'll always bring me down
From here on out I'm doing things for me
I'm impatient now I'm not the type for life alone,
I need someone
She said, just let it go
She said, it's all you've ever know
With everything that sets me back,
I push back harder to clear the way
There's not a thing that I regret,
Can't live my life in yesterday
jadi dua tulisan diatas (yang italic dan bold) adalah 2 lagu favorit gue dari band favorit gue juga yang senantiasa gue dengerin kalo gue lagi,
iya,
galau.
tapi ngga segalau itu kok! gue cuma sebel aja sama diri gue sendiri. yang keep pulling and pushing people over and over, making impulsive decisions, regretting my past actions, and such. gue pengen aja gitu berubah. bener-bener become a better person. kayak lebih menghargai orang, jadi ngga sembarangan bermain dengan perasaan yang mereka punya. dan pengen aja gitu bisa bebas cerita ke temen-temen terdekat. ngedengerin mereka ngasih advice yang kadang ngasih insight baru. kayak a whole new different perspective of something that you don't realize it before.
but why is it so hard for me to achieve that? like, there has been a lot of ups and downs recently. kayak kalo gue cerita ke yang ini, dia advicenya ngingetin gue sama yang ini. tapi kalo gue cerita yang ke lain lagi, dia malah ngingetin yang lalu-lalu. jadinya gue harus gimana ya mon maap? ya gue tau sih yang terbaik buat gue at this moment is to be alone, like finding my own solitude. gue tau gue belom siap untuk mencoba kembali merajut kisah dengan seseorang anytime soon. karena ada beberapa alasan.
yang pertama, gue ngga mau disaat gue udah mau coba sama orang lain, gue masih terbayang-bayang yang di masa lalu. past is only a place for reference, not residence remember? ngga mau aja mengulang kesalahan dan 'pola' yang lalu-lalu. udah capek asal kalian tau :'(
yang kedua, i really need my own time. to figure out everything. like, what's wrong with me, what i really want, and those kind of stuffs. gue sedikit merasa sesak disaat kemarin-kemarin kayaknya gue terlalu fokus dengan relantionship gue dan orang lain instead of myself. hasilnya gue jadi lacking of self confidence dan sering ngerasa stress sendiri...
yang terakhir, call me bias or bullshit, i really wanna focus on my study which i couldn't get really to last semester. so yeah.
intinya, time will heal everything eventually. and this too shall pass. gue percaya kok gue bisa melewati semuanya. meskipun kayak ada angin sana-sini yang bikin goyah, tapi gue pengen gitu sekali-kali jadi orang yang bisa pegang kata-katanya in the first place. so, wish me luck?
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